I Don’t Understand Greeting Cards

I just don’t get them. Just tell me. And don’t expect one from me. I mean, are there people out there who receive a greeting card and go, oh my god, thank you so much for purchasing this overpriced piece of paper for me because, seriously, the words inside that were written by a stranger who probably hates his job are so touching, and just made me feel SO GENUINELY HAPPY. THANK YOU. That’s not meaningful.

99 times out of 100, I bet you that the only time a greeting card makes someone genuinely happy, is when they open it up and are greeted by some form of money inside. And then it’s no longer a greeting card, it’s just a $4-6 money holder.

Simply going in to greeting card stores is unpleasant as well. I don’t remember it being like this back in the states, but here, you walk into – or even near – a greeting card store and the employees are playing with all these really annoying products: flying bullshit, noise-making bullshit, throwing balls against a wall bullshit, mechanical toy bullshit. What is going on in there, it’s like some kind of unholy amped up McDonald’s playplace.

What with email and social networking sites and that kind of stuff, maybe greeting card stores will go out of business soon. Who are still buying these things? Do greeting card companies still make a decent profit? Like them or not, they seem really outdated to me.

I hate when I feel obligated to purchase a greeting card (it doesn’t happen often, but maybe once every couple years, it does happen). It’s like something inside me dies. They’re just so sappy and cheesy I cannot stand it being associated with me. I am so much cooler than a greeting card. When I was younger, I used to always draw people cards, but now I’m too lazy busy for that.

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