I don’t know exactly when my loathing for ketchup began. I recall using it quite liberally in my childhood, specifically on scrambled eggs (horror! what in was I thinking?).

Maybe it was the vile Heinz factory located on the bank of Pittsburgh’s Allegheny river. Where the smell of ketchup wafted through the air and forced itself into my disgusted nostrils while on river boat cruises – such as my high school prom. What a way to celebrate the end high school in a classy way: with the whiff of ketchup in the air.

Or maybe it was when I was working at Kennywood (Pittsburgh amusement park) in my youth and of course, of course, I pulled the short straw and instead of getting to work on rides or games like the rest of my friends, got shoved into god-forsaken food service. Where one of the chores in my food outlet was to resupply the bags of ketchup in the dispensers. OK, and these ketchup dispensers were freaking HUGE. Like, I’m talking monster 1-2 gallon bags of ketchup. And do you know what happens if the bag bursts on you, or you drop it, or even just make a sloppy job of removing and replacing the bags? Do you have any idea how disgustingly sticky and sickeningly sweet that junk is on you, stuck in your hair, sucked into your clothes, all over your skin? It’s like glue. The most disgusting glue in the world. I would have rather the Mountain Dew syrup bust all over me. Or the pizza sauce bags. Anything but the ketchup!

But maybe it was something as simple as just eating too much of it as a kid and I got sick of it. I swear I recall putting it on steaks and, well, everything.

Whatever the case, all I know is that now I simply can not and will not tolerate ketchup. I don’t want it on my plate, let alone my food. I don’t even want it near me when I’m eating. And I most certainly don’t want to smell it when I’m trying to eat. Keep it away from me. There are few things more disgusting than getting a delicious burger and fries served to me, than when a bowl of ketchup is placed on the side of my dish next to it all. TAKE IT AWAY.

How are people even preferring ketchup as a french fry condiment over any version of vinegar? How is that? Vinegar is clearly the superior fry accompaniment. Malt, apple cider, balsamic. Whatever. All better.

And mayo-chup. Are you kidding me? Way to ruin mayonnaise, ketchup you asshole.